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[17 Mar 2006|10:32pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I am falling in love and I have never been happier. Just wished that everyone else could be happy for me and realize that I don't need their approval...

5 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

it all makes sense now... [09 Mar 2006|01:36am]
[ mood | bored ]

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[22 Feb 2006|01:11pm]
I discovered yesterday that I love shooting games. Before I hated guns and now I have a sort of an odd fascination with them. In fact, I am considering going to the shooting range! That would be soooooo much fun. Could you imagine?
visit the mechanic

no one knows who I am talking about.... [15 Feb 2006|03:42am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Doesnt matter how much we fucking fight, or how much you irritate me, or how much we miscommunicate/misunderstand eachother... The fact of the matter is that I love you and it's hard going through life without you, or when you are mad at me, or even when I go to bed knowing that I haven't talked to you all day. I am so sick of this, yet my pride won't allow me to let the hurt go. They say love is compromise, patient, and kind. Lately I feel like we have lost sight of that. You underestimate how much you mean to me but it is because we don't know how to love eachother, or show eachother the way the other understands it... in their love language.

1 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

in honor of Margarat Cho [05 Feb 2006|04:13pm]
[ mood | wooted ]

Dis iz Maaammy, I have two tin to tell yuuu

Numba one: My first concert experience is coming up and woot cause it is gonna be spent on Damian Marley... WOOHOO

Numba two: This weekend in LA was bad and I said something to a friend during a rant/vent that I think is funny enough to post...

I am convinced that people in LA are what I have been generalizing them to be:
that they are shallow, ruthless, selfish, show-offy, liars, self-centered, ignorant, materialistic, user friendly FUCKS with no concept of respect, culture, people other than themselves, and consumed in their world of brand names, hollywood stars, MTV, and everything aesthetically pleasing

so to review. Numba one, I go to my first concert this weekend. Numba two, LA people suck. Boooop

4 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

Soooooooooooo TRUE [23 Jan 2006|02:36pm]
Take the quiz:
What Car Should you be Driving(Pictures)

You are a speed freak you want to go faster than anyone and you want people to look at you and be impressed

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
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[21 Jan 2006|09:14pm]

so much to say, yet one word expresses it all, bla

thats all
7 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[07 Jan 2006|05:29am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Dished tonight on some serious personal things. Helped me figure two things out that has been contributing to some of my hurt. I shall confront them tomorrow at a more reasonable time-

my advice from what I have learned. truly own up to every decision you make and really blame yourself cause that is all you have control over. Don't ever compromise your beliefs to help someone cause if they are a true friend or even someone who cares about you they would never ask you to go against yourself!!!

don't ever judge and if someone judges you, don't bring yourself down over them because obviously they are to immature to understand your predicament as a complex human

The more I learn the more I am convinced to be selfish rather than selfless and non-trusting rather than trusting. JUst so tired of being FUCKING taked advantaged of-

from now on- my true feelings no matter the audience
you don't like it then dont read
any immature or disrespectful comments will result in PERMANENT consequense because I will not tolerate that bullshit no more - serious. I dare someone to challenge me cause I will make an example of them

to those who keep it real, you knwo who you really are- my love and loyalty

2 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[03 Jan 2006|10:32am]
[ mood | exasperated ]

Hope the new year is a great change for everyone...

I got to hang with Anna- that girl is so fucking cute.
I came home and slept for two days. I was so tired. It is not Anna's fault of course, its just that my body has no more stamina. It is a crazy feeling. I am a little scared that it will never go away...

The job thing didnt work out. oh well, I was too tired anyways...

I feel like I am at a fork in the road and if I make the right decision I will change my life forever for good and the wrong decision will keep me in this dead beat mood. I am scared-

well, needless to say that I am try to get out of the house, I am so tired of being home but the ironic thing is I get so physically tired if I leave.

I can hang out but only for short periods of time and give me some notice please. So call me if you wanna chill. It will have to be nearby my house - sorry to be so complicated...

2 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[26 Dec 2005|08:27pm]
Ok so I am better now. I haven't been out of the house for more than an hour and tomorrow I start my new job. I hope I can make it through an 8hour day...

Kris called me on Christmas. We talked, it was nice and weird at the same time. Anyhoo I am just glad that Christmas is over.

Vania is in town and she is gonna live here for a while. It's weird because LA had a HUGE influence on her.

I called Darrell today and told him I would like to keep in touch. He was nice about it and said he would call me later. I don't believe him but we will see.

I haven't seen a lot of my friends and I would love to hang out with you all. Please call and make time for me.

1 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[16 Dec 2005|01:37pm]
[ mood | tired ]

SO I dont get to go to LA and help my best friend Graduate or meet her Boy Friend. I feel bad that I disapointed her and I am not gonna be there for her but she was understranding and said that she is just glad that I don't have a life threatening disease. SO Yesterday I had a totally scare and I will try to be as brief as possible.

I have been really sick this week but of course my parents didnt believe me because most of my symptoms were not obvious. I went to Urgent Care on Tuesday, and they found nothing so they sent me home. After my final on Thursday, I came home to puke, and call my doctor for an emergency appointment. Unfortunately my doctor was out of town so I had to see someone else. He was HORRIBLE, he had the worst bedside manners. My mom wanted to hit him because he was so bad. Anyways, He sent me to ER because he thought I had a life threatening illness. I was in ER around 2pm. My temperature was 104 and rising, I was shaking so hard. My heart rate was at an uncontrolable 138. They did a CATSCAN, chest x-rays, blood and urine test, and the MOST PAINFUL procedure in the world called a spinal tap. They stuck three needles in my spinal column and took fluids out. All the tests came up negative. They shot me up with pain killers and told me that if my temperature and heart rate become stable they would release me. SO around 10pm I got to go home. I can barely talk, one side of my throat is largely than the other. My head really hurts and I have to rest.

I put my parents through a huge scare and a lot of worry but the thing is I dont feel bad or guilty about it. In fact they feel really bad and I am glad. We have been through a lot the past couple months with my health and this whole time they thought I was doing it for attention. The doctor told them that I am really strong, to take me serious, and that I know my body best. If something is bothering me to the point that I bring it up several times chances are it is something serious.

I am just glad that it is not something serious like cancer

4 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[13 Dec 2005|03:20am]
[ mood | horny ]

Is it just me or are we girls more horny and sensitive on our privaledge (a.k.a. period)?
If you feel comfortable sharing let me know the skinny ladies-

4 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[08 Dec 2005|02:27pm]

you fill in the blanks

oh yeah - YUM hot tree guy, tell you more latr
3 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

this is to and for ADRI [24 Nov 2005|12:40pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

I love you girl
you didnt get the birthday celebration that you deserve
but come this next Saturday we are gonna blow you away
I need you, I miss you, and I am sorry that I take you for granted sometimes
I put this in verses so it seems shorter so you would read it
there is so much more I want to say but wont
cause you already know it and cause this WILL be to long for anyone to read
I love you, you are my FRIEND- a true friend, and it breaks my heart when you hurt
San fransisco is a lucky bitch to have you

Thanks for all the times you listen, care, and understand
I only wish I could be there half as much as you are for me

loves, hugs, and kisses

1 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[22 Nov 2005|06:39pm]
[ mood | overslept ]

Dedicated to Sleep

you have a hold on me
I dont seem to mind
you understand me
and are never unkind

I turn to you
it seems you are the answer
I need you
when bad things occur

everyone is jealous
they dont get it
the relationship of us
and I dont give a shit

even as I write
my bed is calling
I can't put up a fight
towards the though of falling

the beauty you hold
you are my ultimate temptress
I cant resist you, I fold
I long for the bed rest

visit the mechanic

[18 Nov 2005|06:41pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

I haven't updated in a while cause I haven't had internet. Even now that I have my internet I am hesitant to update cause I don't want to bitch and moan. At the same token it would be so not like me to lie about how I am, hide it yes but I am not going to be untrue about it. The truth is that I am sick of being down and I am sick of thinking and wondering what I could have done different to make things better for myself.
I don't think I am a bad girlfriend and yet all the evidence from Ali says otherwise. IT was the same with Reza. I don't want to make excuses but I honestly want to believe that I am a good girlfriend and that I am loveable. I feel as though I was used and abused by those two. I think it is that they wanted to conquer me and I was looking for somehting serious in them.
I gave those two guys and others in the past who have hurt me to much credit of what kind of person they are. And right now I don't, no I can't love for a while. I am going to be very strong about dating. It is going to be a rare and sacred experience because I am too fragile and serious to fuck around. Some may think the answer is just the opposite- that I should date like crazy. Why? why should I do that when I know what I want, I remember what it feels like to be with someone, to be with the right person. Kris reminded me of that. Ali- he brought out the worst in me, he made me feel ugly, he made me feel like a bad girlfriend and friend, he made me moody and rollecoaster if emotions, and he made me feel like shit as if I didn't deserve to be loved. It was so different with Kris and it is too bad that the situation is fucked up with him because I love him and he loves me and our connection is so deep.

on a higher note: my uncle who we haven't talked to in a while is back in my life. I love him so much and I missed him dearly. This is so big in our culture to have a fued resolve. I am so glad that him and mom are working it out. He is the only family we have in America and family is SO important to me. I missed him so much and even as I type this I am crying. I love him and I so excited to have him and my little cousin in my life. I can't wait to have someone else close that I trust and love on my side.. Oh I could go on and on about this but one thing is I hate to mention is that I still can't stand his wife. She is jealou, non trustworthy, and simply a bitch- such is family

visit the mechanic

[06 Nov 2005|05:54pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Not getting my hopes up...

So now Ali is back in my life and tables have turned. I am not getting my hopes up because it is like I don't care anymore. Since "hanging out" with Kris I got a feeling of what it is that I want. I had forgotten for a while what it takes to make me happy. Now I am refreshed and I won't forget it. The person I want is unhappily married and he is going to stick it out which I madly respect. He said the only way to give it a chance a real fighting chance is not to be tempted by me and he can't stand to have me as a friend because he still loves me, cares about me, and wants me. It has been a real battle and I still fighting inside of me but I verbally told him that I understand and that I will do as he requests.

Ali has been calling more often than usual lately to hang out. It was weird. He called and asked if I had eaten on FRiday and I hadn't. I thought it was gonna be one of those things were a bunch of people were going to be there. IT was just me and him. As if that wasn't odd enough, it felt like a date, and later he tried to feel up on me and kiss me when we were at the house. I think he was shocked when I said No. I think that was the first time he realized that I don't like him like that. Anyways...

I owe an apologize to people. I am sorry I have been flaky lately. I just don't know how to deal with the sadness except to sleep and be anti-social. I am in bed usually by 8-9pm and sleep in late unless I have class. And its not just the Kris thing but I dont want to talk about it. Anyways you guys know that I am not really flaky and I am sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you to those who call and understand. I will be ok but as always it will take time....

3 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

crash and burn [29 Oct 2005|02:45pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]


I got SMASHED last night and that was the way I handled this news:

earlier yesterday:

Ali calls and says we should do coffee, and of course I meet him. As usual we just end up going to his house. We are hanging out and I get a phone call. It's Kris. He says," I have to say something and its not gonna be easy. Sara I can't resist you. I love you. I love the way your hair smells, I love the way your lips feel, I love the way you kiss me, I love the way you make my body shiver with your touches, I love the way you look at me, I just love being around you. And it is ruining my marriage." He was silent and I felt my heart drop as I murmed,"no please dont" as he responds,"I have to, I wake up to the thought of you and it is ruining my marriage. I know you will understand and your strong - you will get through it". It was silent for a long time and then I said."I don't know what to say, I am very shocked". He responds very firmly with, " This is killing me inside, dont say anything cause it will just make it harder." there was silence again.... "Sara I got to go my wife is on the other line. Goodbye"

I hang up the phone to see Ali staring at me. I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. The emotions in me were so intense I wanted to scream and yet I was proper and polite. I smiled and said sorry to interupt what were you saying. He asked if I was alright and I said I honestly wasnt and needed 5 minutes. I came back, we spoke and then he played Googoosh and said to cry and let it all out. Of course I didnt tell him what was going on but he is older and wiser. I am sure he had an idea.

Back to reality and sobriety

I have the mother of all hang overs. I drank so much last night that I am sweating out alcohol. I feel so sick and gross today but on the bright side the shock of the news has worn down and I am now in the healing face.

One good thing is come out of all this. Because I found Kris and went through this I now trully know what love is and will not love someone again for a while and they will have to really EARN it.

visit the mechanic

[26 Oct 2005|07:30am]
[ mood | distressed ]

I will clear some shit up... The paragraphs are labeled so you don't have to read unecessary shit-

I found Kris and as of late we have hung out a couple times. The problem isn't that he is married but that we still love eachother very much. We have an emotional, mental, physical, and all sorts of connection. He told me last night that his marriage is in jeopardy because of me. That scared and hurt me alot. I dont want to be the bitch that broke up a family or the reason for his unhappiness. The fuck up part is he calls me back in a hour and tells me he misses me and wants me to come over. So even though he wants his marriage to work, he can't seem to accept me only as a friend. And I will be the first to say that I dont trust myself around him. He even was amazed at how much self control I have and yet how comfortable I am with him. I am strong enough to respect certain boundaries but I can not be around him and say no to his touches, kisses, licks, u get the point. I love him and I hate that the situation is this way. I have a hard time sleeping at night and I now exactly why. No matter that his wife knows whats up and that I am not with anyone right now, the fact is that we are both adults and he is married-

My mom is driving me crazy. She wants me to succeed in school but by no means in supportive of that. Last night was the last draw. I finally blew up. It was around midnight and I was trying to sleep after this very exhausting week and she is talking to me. I said to her, "mom I have school and my brain is no longer functioning, tell me tomorrow". She was silent for two seconds and then she continued- I blew up, I was yelling for dad and crying that I am so tired and cant take this. She responds with Go to Hell. So it is official, we are on non-speaking terms. I am not surprised. I was hoping that she would be more willing to hear my needs and compromise. What the fuck was I thinking?

With Persian men, nothing is ever official but things are crystal clear. I am sure that Ali and I are not even on friendship terms. The only reason that I am able to survive this is having Kris back in my life has put things in perspective. It is Ali's loss, not mine. I kept my class though. I called yesterday and left a very sweet message saying hi and how are you. 0 for 2 with persian men- oh well

Ok so this guy that I met, he is white and I only had intentions of being friends but I dont think thats what he wants. He called me four times yesterday and he really wants to hang out. The problem is that when I met him he was drunk and a totally different person. He was funny, charming, entertaining, charismatic, and sweet. Now he is just sweet and quiet. He is a comedian but the only time he was remotely funny was when he was drunk. I dont get along well with quiet people and when we are on the phone there are a lot of awkward silences. I hate being responsible constantly for the flow of conversation. He is a sweet guy but I dont think he realizes that he has bad timing, really bad timing. Oh and he is 39, but he looks like he is 31-

Really busy with school, and trying to do well. It is really hard with everything else going on not to get distracted.

Struggling really bad with sleep and migraines so I have gone back to drinking a lot of caffaine-

Friends: (no particular order)
Tammy: Thanks for your message, I will call you soon. Shannon: I would love to do Saturns! Amy: left you a message, would love to hear how you are and update me on the health. Anna: Love you and miss you. I will find you on AIM soon when I am on at the same time as you. Adri: I love you and thank you for all your support. I will get a my space just for you! Tiff: I am still coming to LA in December so we will have to sit to some coffee. Brooke: Be careful babe and you know I am here for you.
If you guys are trying to get a hold of me, call me and leave a message and also I am more available to do text messaging. You can also find me at Dan Browns on Friday nights with the REGGAE.

In order to love you must first know how to hate.
The more passion in your heart the bigger the scar
My love, my hurt, my passion, this is my fate.
I reach for happiness but it is too far
I hope all my stregnth goes to healing my heart
My life is like a piece of art

1 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

[22 Oct 2005|12:39pm]
[ mood | scared ]

I can't even put into words what is going on and how confused I am. I am so scared this is gonna end so badly that I can't even enjoy it for a moment. I can't believe I didnt realize how I felt about this until I went through it. I stand corrected about myself, love, and what I want. I hope all will work out and that I will be strong enough to get through it

I am still extremely shocked and confused. When I get things sorted I will share

2 cars serviced | visit the mechanic

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