I will clear some shit up... The paragraphs are labeled so you don't have to read unecessary shit-
I found Kris and as of late we have hung out a couple times. The problem isn't that he is married but that we still love eachother very much. We have an emotional, mental, physical, and all sorts of connection. He told me last night that his marriage is in jeopardy because of me. That scared and hurt me alot. I dont want to be the bitch that broke up a family or the reason for his unhappiness. The fuck up part is he calls me back in a hour and tells me he misses me and wants me to come over. So even though he wants his marriage to work, he can't seem to accept me only as a friend. And I will be the first to say that I dont trust myself around him. He even was amazed at how much self control I have and yet how comfortable I am with him. I am strong enough to respect certain boundaries but I can not be around him and say no to his touches, kisses, licks, u get the point. I love him and I hate that the situation is this way. I have a hard time sleeping at night and I now exactly why. No matter that his wife knows whats up and that I am not with anyone right now, the fact is that we are both adults and he is married-
My mom is driving me crazy. She wants me to succeed in school but by no means in supportive of that. Last night was the last draw. I finally blew up. It was around midnight and I was trying to sleep after this very exhausting week and she is talking to me. I said to her, "mom I have school and my brain is no longer functioning, tell me tomorrow". She was silent for two seconds and then she continued- I blew up, I was yelling for dad and crying that I am so tired and cant take this. She responds with Go to Hell. So it is official, we are on non-speaking terms. I am not surprised. I was hoping that she would be more willing to hear my needs and compromise. What the fuck was I thinking?
With Persian men, nothing is ever official but things are crystal clear. I am sure that Ali and I are not even on friendship terms. The only reason that I am able to survive this is having Kris back in my life has put things in perspective. It is Ali's loss, not mine. I kept my class though. I called yesterday and left a very sweet message saying hi and how are you. 0 for 2 with persian men- oh well
Ok so this guy that I met, he is white and I only had intentions of being friends but I dont think thats what he wants. He called me four times yesterday and he really wants to hang out. The problem is that when I met him he was drunk and a totally different person. He was funny, charming, entertaining, charismatic, and sweet. Now he is just sweet and quiet. He is a comedian but the only time he was remotely funny was when he was drunk. I dont get along well with quiet people and when we are on the phone there are a lot of awkward silences. I hate being responsible constantly for the flow of conversation. He is a sweet guy but I dont think he realizes that he has bad timing, really bad timing. Oh and he is 39, but he looks like he is 31-
Really busy with school, and trying to do well. It is really hard with everything else going on not to get distracted.
Struggling really bad with sleep and migraines so I have gone back to drinking a lot of caffaine-
Friends: (no particular order)
Tammy: Thanks for your message, I will call you soon. Shannon: I would love to do Saturns! Amy: left you a message, would love to hear how you are and update me on the health. Anna: Love you and miss you. I will find you on AIM soon when I am on at the same time as you. Adri: I love you and thank you for all your support. I will get a my space just for you! Tiff: I am still coming to LA in December so we will have to sit to some coffee. Brooke: Be careful babe and you know I am here for you.
If you guys are trying to get a hold of me, call me and leave a message and also I am more available to do text messaging. You can also find me at Dan Browns on Friday nights with the REGGAE.
In order to love you must first know how to hate.
The more passion in your heart the bigger the scar
My love, my hurt, my passion, this is my fate.
I reach for happiness but it is too far
I hope all my stregnth goes to healing my heart
My life is like a piece of art